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Episode # in order of airing: 62 (October 13, 1967) Episode # in order of filming: 64 (pc 6707) Apparent J/A intimacy: **** They seem syncopated and cordial, if not exactly lover-ly. Compelling plot holes to be spackled: I have plot-related fatigue, so, while this plot makes no sense, nothing else in the world makes sense either. Reason to spackle the episode anyway: Ditto above. Shirtlessness: No: it's heartbreaking! Physical contact: Big woman-shy hug at the end. H/c potential: Pretty level ep, emotionally speaking. Angst potential: Ditto above. Jim beauty: ****** Jim! Jimjimjim! Fabulously foxy: one scene with tousled hair where he looks like the Apollo Belvedere - actually, he doesn't; he looks BETTER than the Apollo Belvedere. Artie beauty: ****** Now, I freely admit that Artie's disguise is not for everyone's taste, but I like this dark overcooked angel of a Captain Martinez. (Even the captain's hat forms a beautiful black halo.) Plus: I am such a sucker for earrings on men. (Mr. Clean!!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!) Artie's gold hoop looks perfect on him. General bizarreness of episode/bad scriptwriting: See not-making-sense remarks above. Importance of having this on a pimping tape: Ummmm. Maybe the hug at the end. Apparent relationship status: Possibly ER, possibly good friends on the verge of discovering the depth of their feelings for one another. Plot recap: Okay, there's this sword (the sword of Koniyashi) and everybody wants it. But where is it? Where our tape picks up, Artie as the divine Captain Martinez is drunkenly trying to pick up Jim (well, he *is*: it's a street in San Francisco and Artie's character wants a "match for his cigar".) He's also carrying a preposterously symbolic phallic package. Rats! Instead of a lurid alleyway assignation, Jim tells Artie to go get some info in one place while he, Jim, will get info in another. Jim goes to a karate outlet for info where he sees his old friend "Falconer". Falconer is a very effete guy and, to my mind, has spent A LOT of time trying to get Jim in the sack – alas, the closest he's come is by throwing a jujitsu slumber party where he got to put his PeeWee's-Playhouse bedroll right next to Jim's. While at the karate outlet, Jim chases a bald Asian guy (he's got to be guilty of *something*!) While Jim is bonding with Falconer, Artie goes to Madame Moustache's bar for info. Once I was watching this, and Mr. Sunbeam was lolling idly on the bed. He lifted his old head said "that's a man." And I do believe he says the word that is true. Notice the first glimpse of "her" is a burly, tattooed Jim-West-like forearm. Cue up the Rimsky-Korsakov, followed by some weird 60's spy music. Artie is fabulous in this scene (although not totally audible – now he's the one who's taken the Ren-and-Stimpy pills.) Oh, he flirts terribly with Miz Moustache!! It's just so gay! He also buys a drink for his "sword" (how phallic is this show!) Mme. M indicates the sword and says, "your friend doesn't say much." "My frien' ees a doer, not a talker". It only would be better if Artie had said "my sword ees a doer, not a talker." Then: "Sanctify meeee weeeeth a keees," he says to Mme. Moustache and purses his huge sensual lips. This performance is so outre it has become one of my favorites. Then, after she refuses to have a drink with him, some other incredibly phallic stuff happens. The old tranny says some of the thugs want Artie to "hand over his package before his knife slips", and then Artie/Martinez goes berserker. His "friend" is not the sword of Koniyashi, but two eighteen-inch bazookas. He blasts up the joint, so Mme. Moustache decides "she" can trust him. And sends him off with a guide to the real sword of Koniyashi. Artie stops only to kiss "her" hand, that is, until he sees her splendid hairy splendid tattoo and keeses eet. There's so much plot! ‘Cause now there's a pudgy Caucasian guy in a kimono, who's Old Fat Hannibal, the "last of the Eggloffs". He might have the sword of Koniyashi. Might not. He also may or may not be "the Dutchman", since we never see the Dutchman's face. Actually, the Dutchman spends a lot of time whispering through these weird glory-hole type things which are apparently standard equipment in all of the walls of San Francisco. The bald Asian guy turns up too and offers Artie $25,000 to spend fifteen minutes with the Sword of Koniyashi. I have to say that a wise and ambitious capitalist could certainly write an executive self-help book using this episode. Two for-sure lessons: a) No way nobody is going to offer you $25,000 in gold to spent fifteen minutes with a sword. Unless they have an ulterior motive. b) By the same token, people who hide their faces do so for a good reason. There's a great scene where the camera beautifully frames clean Jim and dirty Artie/Martinez as they negotiate with the Last of the Eggloffs, who immediately dies when a gun comes out of the wall. *sigh* If only these villains would throw as much energy into making honest money as into their ornately-costumed elaborate plots. I mean, Miquelito could buy most of SoCal in 1880 for half of what he spends on all that expensive death-dealing machinery. At one point, Jim and Artie carry around a psuedo-sword of Koniyashi; then they throw it away. Oh, my god, did you see that beautiful wooden box they just threw away with the sword! I'm horrified! What a great box! Artie could, you know, put stuff in it. He could put CHESTER in it! (Remember Chester the ventriloquist dummy from the Sedgwick Curse! Artie could put Chester's clothes and Chester's ukelele and Chester's sextoys in the box right under Chester. Unless Chester IS a sextoy!) Also, at another point, an Asian girl is sleeping on the gold sofa. Artie leers at her and says, one of these (I'm being bad, of course; the mood of the scene is really quite tender. But TENDER is not good enough for ME.) Okay, it's now the tag: will they get some or not? Jim and Artie are seated intimately on the sofa together. The mission is over, they're winding down, and, if we believe in a established relationship, they're going to have them some fine sex: maybe something in costumes or maybe, they'll just turn down the lights and get totally naked and handle themselves and start "snarling words that would redden the cheeks of a New Orlenas pimp," reverting to their "most primal and brutal selves". (To quote Jane Mailander's "Fever Dream" in "Gentlemen Never Tell" #4, the issue I'm obsessed with.) Of, if not, then they can just flirt as they so often do. Whichever will happen, they decide to get in the mood by pretending to be Japanese (oh, well), and then there's a knock at the door. Aha, says I to myself: looky, looky, looky, here comes nooky. Jim in a weird burst of playfulness pretends to be Japanese in a bizarrely incompetent way. The door opens, and it's a girl! It's a girl! It's a Valley Gesisha Girl. She's aghast at the incompetence of their play-acting. "Are yew guys all rite?" Then she says something to the effect that she's there to translate something, i.e. she is NOT nooky. And Artie and Jim look at each other and Jim gives Artie the biggest, most nervous hug ever. Maybe there's a bit of self-discovery here. The geisha is not terribly interested in these round-eyed dandies, and they are surely not interested in her. |
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