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"The power-crazed leaders of the world would
certainly be surprised to find that their
military leaders and troops were masquerading
sodomites who were only too eager to meet the
masquerading-sodomite armies of other nations in
order to have dances and balls and learn some
foreign dance steps."
From “A Confederacy of Dunces.” Well, I think John Kennedy Toole speaks for us all as we try to understand the underlying dynamic of WWW. Since the above passage is the plot of fully one-third of all WWW episodes. Including this one. ************* Episode # in order of airing: 25 (April 1, 1966) Episode # in order of filming: 25 (pc: 6525) Apparent J/A intimacy: ***** Pretty good. Compelling plot holes to be spackled: Not so very many holes. Kinda western-y. Reason to spackle the episode anyway: Artie's in drag! Physical contact: ***** Artie's in drag! H/C potential: ***** Artie's in drag! Angst potential: ***** Artie's in drag! Jim beauty: ***** Quite beeyoutiful. Artie beauty: ***** Artie's in drag! General bizarreness of episode/bad scriptwriting: Again with the unconcerned-with-budget madmen? I just don't get it. Shirtlessness: None. Importance of having this on a pimping tape: ***** Artie's in drag! (and the tag’s slashy too!) Apparent relationship status: If they aren't lovers at the beginning, they will be after it's over. Fashion note: Did I mention that Artie's in drag! We're supposed to find him amusingly unattractive, but I think Ross Martin is just so hot as Grandma Brandy-dispenser (or whoever the hell he's supposed to be). He also gets to play a wonderful monocled Mexican, and something about playing Hispanics brings out the full potency of RM's joie de vivre. (RM played the first sex maniac I ever saw on television - this is like 1959 when he was Andamo, the Sandinista catamite extraordinaire in "Mr. Lucky". SWOON). WWW Drinking Game: Whoopee! Two “Star Trek” sightings! Plot recap: Jim, Artie, and a good-looking Hispanic woman (drink up; she’s one of “Mudd’s Women”) are over at the Wanderer when a bomb comes in the window and explodes. Jim and Artie run out into the night bushes (sexy that) to find out who threw the bomb. Alas, to no avail, so they have to make a FEDERAL CASE out of it (see, they're Secret Service agents, so my joke is funny, no?!) Then there is a big huge burst of exposition which ends up in stock footage of a fire with Keenan Wynn’s big face superimposed over it. (Oh, did Artie just invent the newsreel?) What makes this exposition so fetching, however, is the way it’s framed and shot. Jim and Artie are using low sexy voices, their bodies are turned towards each other, their fingertips are almost touching; it’s incredibly passionate! It’s so passionate I kinda zoned out and didn’t hear the plot until about the seventh time I watched it. See, the plot is that Jim will disguise himself as a criminal and infiltrate Keenan Wynn’s gang of thieves (that’s where the bomb came from); meanwhile, Artie will disguise himself as a Mexican soldier and infiltrate the gang too. Step One: Somebody prints out wanted posters with Jim's photo on it (although in the past Jim himself has done this) (gee, I wondered where he studied Book Arts). Jim’s riding manfully around the territories in his ‘wanted poster’ drag, when he spies a fey young government agent-in-training who's been hanging the posters with thumbtacks. "I need a new thumb" the boy breathlessly tells Jim. Turns out the boy’s name is Dick and so Jim's all "Dick this" and "Dick that." But you know what (and this happened A LOT on the WWW set), this actor is obviously the boyfriend of somebody important from the studio since he can't act AT ALL, except he DOES act enthralled by Jim, and who can blame him? ("I need a new thumb." Oh, god, that is just TMI.) Still, thanks to the wanted posters (and a great big thank-you to “Dick”), Jim is able to infiltrate Keenan Wynn’s camp of evil miscreants. Keenan Wynn is a nice actor: he can only play one role the grumpy old guy but he does it very well. Hey, remember when he played Colonel “Bat” Guano in “Dr. Strangelove” and he got all upset over the apparent presence of "pree-verts" at some military base? Well, Keenan, don't look now but I believe you're at ground zero for the pree-vert bomb! And chief among the pree-verts is Keenan's second-in-command Bender as played by William Campbell! William Campbell! Hey, what do William Campbell and V.I. Lenin have in common? Give up? Well, they both made the twentieth century what it is today! Vladimir Ilych's talents might be obvious, but check out William Campbell's resume (as channeled by Sunbeam! Hey! I DID my homework!) A) WC was married to Judith Exner Campbell in the 1960's. Who dat? Why, Judith Exner Campbell is the centrallest figure in the Kennedy assassination, being the mistress-sex-go-between for JFK and Mafioso Sam "Momo" Giancana. In addition to fulfilling William Campbell's eerie little needs. b) WC played Elvis Presley's brother in "Love Me Tender," Elvis' first movie. I forget now, but either Elvis shoots him or he shoots Elvis. Or not. But he WAS ELVIS'S BROTHER. c) WC was Klingon Number One! in “Star Trek: The Original Series.” Well, that's a lie, because John Colicos was Klingon Number One! But William Campbell was Klingon Number Two! in "The Trouble with Tribbles", not to mention the first omnipotent Q (in TOS's "Squire of Gothos")!!! (Take two swigs here!) d) And, according to IMDB, WC was the actor the remaining three Beatles were going to hire to impersonate Paul McCartney when "Paul" "died". And, if Elvis, the Beatles, JFK, and "Star Trek" aren't the major arteries of the 20th century's heart, then everything else I believe is wrong too. BTW, this is another ep that proves Robert Conrad was NOT just another pretty face (although the prettiest face of them all). He has to play an irritating bad guy and he does it extremely well, and, not only that, but it's subtly different from his Jim West. There’s an amusing scene in A CLASSROOM where Keenan is doing yet more exposition and RC keeps making the most irritating interruptions (and I KNOW about irritating students in the classroom). The classroom scene occurs right after Artie shows up disguised as a Mexican army officer who wants to join forces with Keenan. Much bla bla bla ensues. Some weaselly little actor rats Jim out and so Keenan has William Campbell take Jim to the pokey (they’re going to execute him on the morrow). But being in the jail isn’t so bad. For one thing, Mexican!Artie! comes to visit and drops off some explosives and a lens (it’s his monocle he’s wearing; he drops in the straw on the floor!) Jim’s got to use the lens to ignite the explosive. But, not only does Artie visit him in prison, Jim is also rooming with Mexican-Mudd’s-Woman’s husband. Hey, he’s cute! Wonder which one of them gets to be the cellblock bitch!? But then again this whole ep is just "The Night of the Cellblock Bitch" to me. Now it’s the next morning and they’re going to execute our heroes! Much bla bla bla. And then right before they execute Jim and the Mexican guy, Artie shows up. In DRAG. He's an old lady with three Mexican cuties and all of them are saying "please dreenk our brandy, sailors" as if they were operating some sort of advertising gimmick for whatever business Drag!Artie! is in. (There's a candid photo from this ep in Kessler's guide to WWW, which shows Keenan Wynn trying to put his hand up RM's skirt while RM-in-drag is smoking a cigarette. Back to the story: Obviously, the reason Artie-in-drag shows up is to cause a disturbance, which he does. Then Jim explodes stuff, Artie dashingly takes off the drag and picks up a rifle, and Keenan brings out this proto-tank he has, which he calls the Turtle. “They better not put in bullet holes in the Turtle,” he growls. Fair enough, so Jim and the Mexican guy just take over the Turtle and ride it around destroying Keenan’s gang and stuff and WINNING! Yay! The Tag: Well, this is fairly explicit too. Jim and Artie are dining on the Wanderer with the attractive Mexican couple. Artie seems very defensive/proud about his appearance as a woman. “To the Grand Old Lady of the Secret Service,” Jim smirkingly toasts. “You’re never going to let me live that down, are you?” Artie whines. “I have no intention of letting you live it down,” Jim responds in a super sexy way. (It’s so obvious he wants Artie at this point.) “Well, who had a date with three beautiful women? Me, that’s who,” says Artie (he’s referring to the girls who were with him when he was in drag). Yeh, says Jim, let’s score those other two babes and get laid. Where are they?” “Oh, zey are home with zer husbands,” says Mexican Mudd’s Woman. Hahahahaha. Got any better ideas, Artie? Soup's getting cold, Artie offers glumly. To which Jim gives Artie the most mysterious and alluring smile and clearly says (using ESP), "Put that dress back on, Miss Thing, and I'll show you a better idea." Then there’s a whole other scene that the network cut where Artie’s got his skirt on but it’s bunched up at his waist and he’s leaning over the golden sofa and Jim’s fucking him and hissing, “work that hole, baby, work that hole.” You know, Islahope and I discussed “Jim and Artie: The Black and White Years” just recently, and came to the conclusion that Jim thought HE was going to be the dominant one in the relationship. You can see this evolving in "Casual Killers", "Two-Legged Buffalo", and in this teaser. But you know what: our beloved crafty Artie figures out a way to get around Jim’s dominance! See, Jim assumes Artie is wild for it, and he's right, but what he doesn't factor in is Artie's cold and relentless promiscuity. Watch “The Raven” or “The Cutthroats” or “The Juggernaut” to see Jim flounce in fury as Artie flirts with some dame. Artie screws around and it just drives Jim into a frenzy! (Notice too that Jim becomes prissier and prissier regarding sex as the show goes on. Artie meanwhile says yes to all of it: nameless nooky, spontaneous nooky, government nooky, hired nooky, weird nooky, green nooky. He just can’t help it, can he?) Sigh. Oh, yeah, the end! |
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